by Dianna Good Sky | General
I’m in Italy.
Driving through mountains with absolutely no idea where I am. No GPS, nothing. I had finally gotten Katy settled after her positive COVID test and mandatory hotel quarantine in rural Italy, and I had spent the last few days exploring. No longer stressed about her missing her Semester-At-Sea. She had flown to Greece to catch up to them. And now I was trying to find my way back to my AirBnb and I really, really needed to find a bathroom. I mean, I’m at the point where I’m thinking, well, Italy’s just going to have to deal with me peeing on the side of this mountain road.
That’s when my phone rang.
It was Ashley, my niece. She said Dad was sick and they were sending him to Duluth. She wanted to put him on the phone. They had tried taking him off the ventilator, but they were going to have to put it back in, as he was struggling, and transferring him to St. Mary’s in Duluth. She said he wanted to talk to me but could barely talk, so don’t keep him on too long. I thanked her before I heard my Dad’s raspy voice on the other side.
Now, you have to understand something about my dad. Gene Goodsky was a tough guy. Period. He’d been through everything – Vietnam, PTSD, years of drinking, cultural genocide, you name it. This man was tough as nails. So when Ashley said he was sick enough to go to the big hospital in Duluth, I knew his cold, which had turned into pneumonia, had gotten worse.
She put him on the phone, and I told him exactly what I was doing – that I was literally about to pee on the side of an Italian mountain because I couldn’t find a bathroom anywhere. One of Dad’s favorite things to say to me is, “Where in the world are you now?” He didn’t say it this time as he could barely speak. So, I told him because I knew he wanted to know.
I heard his smile on the phone. I could tell he was tickled when I told him. Dad loved that his daughter from the tiny Reservation in Nett Lake was so adventurous. He had told me that many times.
Then he said, actually more like “Rasped” something that stopped me cold.
“I love you.”
And then he said it again. “I love you.”
And again. “I love you… I love you… I love you…”
He kept saying it, over and over.
Something Shifted
Standing there on that mountain road, I felt something shift in my chest. My dad was not a man who repeated himself. Ever. He said what he meant once, maybe twice if it was really important. But not like this. Not over and over like he was trying to memorize the sound of his own voice saying it.
I knew right then. Why would he keep saying it unless he was afraid he wouldn’t get to say it again?
I didn’t even ask if I should come home. I just knew.
“Dad, I’m leaving right now. I’m booking the first flight out. I’ll stop at home to grab some winter clothes (because it’s February in Minnesota), and I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
I had been through this before with my mom during the last months of her life. There’s this feeling you get – hard to explain, but you can’t miss it – when your place in the world suddenly becomes crystal clear. I recognized it immediately.
I needed to be there. And I wanted to be there.
Those were the last words he ever spoke to me. I don’t know if he talked to anyone else after we hung up, but that was it for us. “I love you” said over and over like a prayer or a goodbye I didn’t understand yet.
The ICU
When I got to Duluth and walked into that ICU room, the first thing that hit me wasn’t all the machines and tubes. It was how pale he was.
You have to understand, my dad was never pale. We used to joke about how dark he got in the summer – full-blooded Indian and proud of it. His skin always had this color and life to it, even in the dead of Minnesota winter.
But lying in that hospital bed, he was almost gray.
That’s when it really sank in. This wasn’t just a cold that got out of hand. This was serious.
He had tubes everywhere – the ventilator in his mouth, machines making all these steady beeping sounds I was trying not to focus on. For a minute, I just stood there because my brain was trying to catch up with what my eyes were seeing.
I sat down beside him and started talking right away. I needed him to hear my voice, to know I made it back.
Then I leaned in real close to his face and said, “Dad… I’m here. It’s me, Dianna. I’m here.”
His eyes opened and focused on me. I could see it immediately – he knew me. And I could tell he was so glad I was there. Not dramatic, not over the top, just this quiet relief and happiness. He always said he just likes knowing that his kids are close by, but in this case, I think he was glad I was home and not in Italy.
He started trying to move his arms, pulling against the restraints they had on him so he wouldn’t pull out the breathing tube. The nurses came in and adjusted his medications, and he drifted back to sleep.
I learned later that the level of sedation controlled how awake he seemed. During that week, I figured out when I could really talk to him and when I needed to just let him rest.
I guess because I’d come from out of state, they let me stay all day, every day. This was during COVID when hospitals were limiting visitors, and most families couldn’t even be together like this. But they understood I’d traveled a long way and they never once told me I had to leave. Either that or they knew just how bad it was, I realized much later. The staff were all very kind to us.
I developed a routine that week.
I’d get there early in the morning and stay until about ten or eleven at night. Then I’d go back to my hotel, sleep, wake up, do a little workout in the gym just to clear my head, and be back at the hospital before eight in the morning.
And then I’d sit beside him again.
Since he couldn’t speak, I did all the talking. And let me tell you, I’m sure he really enjoyed that part. Haha. Sometimes, I read to him, but it seemed I could always figure out something to say to him.
The second day he was awake, he was trying really hard to tell me something. I kept guessing and guessing until I finally figured it out – he was thirsty.
I was so proud of myself for understanding him that I ran out the door and into the nurses’ station and fairly loudly announced to everyone, “My dad wants a drink! He’s thirsty!”
Every nurse and doctor in that area looked at me with these soft, sympathetic faces. One nurse gently walked over and said, “Honey, your dad can’t have water.”
I’m standing there like, “Why not?”
And then it hit me. Because he has a ventilator tube in his mouth! Oh my gosh.
I felt like such an idiot, but the nurse was really sweet about it. She gave me this little sponge on a stick that I could dip in water and put on his lips. And frankly, because I realized we could now communicate, I was just happy we could. I knew it was important.
I started asking him questions.
“Are you comfortable?”
No.
He moved his hand – he wanted his arm released from the restraint. The nurses explained that if they unbound him, he absolutely could not touch the ventilator tube. Apparently, they had to restrain him because that’s what he did every time he became aware enough. So he nodded that he understood and promised he wouldn’t. They trusted him.
“Is that better?”
Yes.
“Can you hear me?”
Yes.
After a few practical questions, I asked him the one that mattered most to me.
“Am I the prettiest girl?” haha.
I could see the smile in his eyes. He nodded yes.
His birthday was February 5th, and by then I’d been there a few days.
My dad was famous.
I always tell people my dad was famous – not George Clooney famous, but loved famous. People all over the world knew him and cared about him, and they still do to this day.
That morning, birthday messages started coming in early. I told the staff that it was his birthday and he would be getting many birthday greetings and could they help him be awake so I could read them to him, they assured me they could, as long as he was comfortable. Of course.
I knew he would like them. I read every single one to him. Every text, every Facebook post, every voicemail. If someone called, I’d hold the phone right up to his ear so he could hear their voice himself. I didn’t skim anything or paraphrase. I read them word for word.
And I watched his face the whole time.
There were over six hundred birthday messages that day. Six hundred. And he listened to every one of them.
With each message I read, I could see his reaction. Sometimes his eyes would soften. Sometimes he’d nod. Sometimes he’d smile. He was really listening to every word.
I even made this goofy video for him using a rap song – which is funny because neither of us listens to rap music – but I just wanted to make him smile. When I showed it to him, his whole face lit up. He genuinely loved hearing everything that came in for him.
I remember thinking that day, this might be one of the best birthdays he’s ever had. Not because he was healthy – obviously he wasn’t – but because he got to hear, all in one day, how many people loved him.
And he knew it.
A Healing Song
During that week, my cousin Fran came with her son Conrad. Conrad brought his hand drum and wanted to sing a healing song for Dad. Right there in the ICU.
I’ll never forget watching that young man stand beside my father’s bed, beating that drum and singing. He could barely hold himself together. Neither could Fran. Neither could I. Even the nurses were moved, afterward telling me how beautiful it was.
I wonder sometimes if we all understood something we couldn’t say out loud. We call them healing songs because we think they’re supposed to heal the body. But maybe the real healing is for the hearts of the people who have to let someone go.
A few days after his birthday, the conversations with the doctors began to change.
Decisions
On the morning of February 8th, the doctor told me it had been seventeen days on the ventilator. She explained that even if he survived being taken off it, his life would never be what it was before. He’d probably need to live in a nursing home for the rest of his life.
My dad was fiercely independent. Always had been. I knew immediately what that meant to him.
Years before, he’d gathered all four of us kids together and told us that, and he decided our roles if something like this happened. My brother Curtis was supposed to make the medical decisions. I was the executor.
But sitting there in that room, I knew that he could decide for himself, and what a relief that was.
I had watched it the whole week. When they reduced the sedation, he was completely aware. He followed conversations; he reacted to what was happening around him. This wasn’t a man who was gone – this was a man trapped in a body that couldn’t talk.
So I told the doctor, “No. This decision needs to be his, not mine and not my siblings’.”
She agreed.
They reduced his sedation so he could participate, and she sat on the edge of his bed to talk to him. I was sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed, and I remember feeling as if I were watching something sacred and terrifying at the same time, also wishing I wasn’t alone with him, but I was fairly shocked when the Doc took the conversation in this direction. Lela was at Dads house getting it ready for when he came home, and both of my brothers were also in the Village. They were all over 100 miles away.
She spoke slowly, asking yes-or-no questions so he could nod his answers.
She explained how long he’d been on the ventilator. She explained what his body was now depending on. Then she explained what his life would probably be like if he stayed on it for much longer and managed to survive removing the ventilator – including the very real possibility of spending the rest of his life in a nursing home, even if he got better enough in the next 2 or 3 days.
I watched his face the whole time. You could tell. He did not want that for his life.
He listened, sort of in awe, then his face turned to anger, then to understanding, and finally to decision and a fierceness I truly remember seeing in my younger days.
Then she asked him: “Do you want us to take the ventilator out?”
He nodded yes.
“Do you understand that you may not survive if we remove it?”
He nodded yes.
“Are you making this decision fully aware of the consequences?”
He nodded yes again.
Then she told him he could decide when he wanted it done.
In full Dad fashion, he indicated he wanted it done right then and there.
I stood up and leaned over toward him but so that everyone could hear.
“Dad… not yet. Please wait. Let me call Lela and my brothers so they know what’s happening. Let’s give them a chance to be here, please.”
He looked straight at me – I could see that familiar stubbornness, a little bit of fire still in his eyes. I said “Please” again. His face softened and he nodded yes.
Holy cow, what a relief!
Then the Doc said he could decide at any moment. They would be ready for him any time of the day or night, whenever he wanted.
A Presence
I needed to call them. Before I made those calls, though, I needed to ask him some things. I was about to be responsible for everything after he was gone, and I wanted to do it the way he wanted.
So I asked him – who should guide his funeral, who needed to be there and in what roles, what to do with his belongings. All the practical stuff only he could answer. By then we had this yes-and-no communication down pretty good, and I wrote down everything while he answered.
Only after I had all that information did I start calling my family.
I stepped out of the room several times to make calls and just to breathe.
And every single time I went out toward the lobby, the elevator doors would open. No one would come out. No one would be waiting to get on. They’d just open, pause, and close again.
This kept happening all day long.
At first, I thought nothing of it. Then it happened again. And again. By evening, I was really aware of it and I started to “feel” things.
Even more so inside Dad’s room. The room felt heavy. It wasn’t scary or threatening, just full. Full in a way that’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I felt it on my body, especially across my shoulders, like a presence pressing gently around us.
At one point, I called Rosemary Berens, Dad’s second wife, a drum keeper and a close friend of the family. I was letting her know what was happening, but honestly, I think I was also looking for some kind of permission or reassurance.
While I was sitting there on the phone with her, those elevator doors opened again. And then again. Three or four times while we were talking.
That’s when I finally said it out loud.
“Rosemary, the weirdest thing keeps happening. These elevator doors keep opening and there’s nobody there.”
She listened quietly and then said, very calmly, “They’re coming for him. They must be using the elevator.” We kind of laughed at that but honestly, I think we both FELT that.
It matched what I was already sensing – that he and I were not alone in his room. Not even close.
Dad is Ready
That evening it started snowing. A real Minnesota February snowstorm. Part of me was hoping we could wait until the next day, but when Dad woke up again, he was different. Agitated. He wasn’t willing to wait anymore.
He was ready.
So I made the calls and told everyone they needed to come immediately.
Family started driving through that storm – over a hundred miles for some of them – and it took nearly two hours for everyone to get there. The hospital staff brought us this big tray with coffee, tea, and food. They were so incredibly kind that night.
One by one, everyone spoke to him. The nurse adjusted his sedation so he could hear them and acknowledge each person.
My sister Lela, who’s a nurse and has always been good at handling the medical stuff, finally said, “Okay… it’s time.”
Even though I’d had the most time to prepare, I realized in that moment I wasn’t ready at all.
The nurse explained that when they took the ventilator out, he would have trouble breathing at first. She gently told him not to gulp for air, even though it would be a natural reaction. Dad nodded in understanding.
It
Was
Time.
I was standing near the foot of the bed when they started.
They removed the ventilator.
Immediately, his body reacted exactly like she said it would. He struggled for air, and then I saw something I had almost never seen in my father’s face.
Fear.
Real fear.
He looked directly at me.
I had seen my dad startled once when I was young – gunshots went off and he dove under a table – but this was different.
I’m not sure if things are right in the world when your daddy looks at you full of fear, and you know he is dying. There is nothing right about that at all, and that split-second realization moved me into action.
I quickly moved to his bedside near his face and leaned down beside him so he could hear me.
“Dad… you’re okay. We talked about this. You decided this. Everything is going to be okay. You’ve been there before, remember? Remember how you told me it was so full of love? You didn’t want to come back. It’s okay to go back. We’re all going to be just fine.You and Mom did a good job. Everything will be alright.”
As I spoke, I watched him calm down. His breathing slowed. His eyes stayed locked on mine and I stayed completely steady for him. I didn’t cry. I didn’t break down. How could I? It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly our minds move when in such a state. The amount of processing my mind went through in those final moments.
He kept looking at me until his eyes finally closed.
The machine went flat.
I heard the loud cry of my sister first and then each of us sobbing in our own way, handling this huge loss.. I stood up and went into the corner with my back against my dad in this bed, knowing full well he was no longer here but not wanting to face it. I was a little bit mad, I don’t even know why, then grief overwhelmed me and I crumbled.
The Lesson
It was February 9th, 2020. Four days after one of the best birthdays he’d ever had, his 80th on this earth.
When Ashley and I finally left that room, I said something to her that probably sounded strange. I said, “How lucky are we, Ashley? We got to be with both grandma and grandpa when they transitioned to the next world.”
But the most important moment of that whole week didn’t happen the night he died.
It happened a few days earlier.
I was sitting there talking to him one afternoon – he was awake and alert – and I don’t even remember what I started talking about. I was just remembering things, you know? Things from our life together.
And suddenly something clicked in my mind.
I said to him, “Dad… everything you ever taught us… it was about love, wasn’t it?”
He looked at me, fully awake and ready to hear more.
Then I started pulling up memories to explain what I was seeing.
“Like that time at the grocery store when you held the door for those two women and they just walked past you like you were invisible. I was so mad and asked why you didn’t say something to them. You said, ‘That’s their problem, not mine.'”
“And that time someone stole $2,500 from your house – money you needed to fix your truck – and even though you thought you knew who did it, you never confronted them. When I asked why, you said, ‘They don’t answer to me. They answer to above.'”
As I was saying these things out loud, I could hear it myself.
“It was love, wasn’t it?” I could see his face softening and relaxing.
“You weren’t teaching acceptance and tolerance. It was love. You weren’t teaching me not to judge; it was love! It was always about love. All of it was about love”
A tear rolled down his face.
He nodded yes.
And right then – not later when I was processing it, but right in that exact moment – I understood the scope of what he’d been trying to teach me my whole life.
I understood who he really was. It was a HUGE realization.
I realized that I didn’t understand his lessons while he was raising me,
I certainly didn’t want to listen to him when he was drinking.
I misunderstood some of his lessons when he was sober, but
I finally understood the full and complete lesson of life and living as he was dying.
It’s all about Love.