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Intergenerational Trauma in Native American Communities

The Wounds That Do Not Begin With Us

When people speak about trauma, they often speak in singular terms — a single event, a single experience, a single hardship.

But in many Native American communities, trauma did not begin with one person. It did not begin with one generation. It moved quietly from parent to child, grandparent to grandchild, sometimes without being named.

Intergenerational trauma — sometimes referred to as historical trauma — describes the emotional and psychological wounds passed down through families and communities who have endured collective hardship. Researchers such as Dr. Maria Yellow Horse Brave Heart, one of the leading scholars on Native American historical trauma, have written extensively about this phenomenon and its impact on Indigenous communities. (See: Brave Heart’s work summarized through the Indian Health Service and related academic publications: https://www.ihs.gov)

For Native Americans, that collective hardship includes forced relocation, boarding schools, land dispossession, cultural suppression, and systemic poverty.

Those events did not simply end when policies changed.

They lingered.

Boarding Schools and Cultural Suppression

From the late 1800s into the 20th century, Native children were taken from their families and sent to boarding schools designed to strip them of language, culture, and identity. The motto often associated with this era — “Kill the Indian, save the man” — reflects the assimilationist intent of federal policy.

The U.S. Department of the Interior has formally acknowledged the scope and damage of the Federal Indian Boarding School system in recent reports documenting widespread abuse and generational impact. (See: https://www.doi.gov/priorities/strengthening-indian-country/federal-indian-boarding-school-initiative)

Children who were punished for speaking their language grew into adults who sometimes did not teach that language to their own children.

Affection was replaced with institutional discipline.
Cultural identity was replaced with enforced conformity.

When those children became parents, they often carried wounds they did not have words for.

And so trauma moved forward.

Poverty and Structural Inequality

The economic realities facing many Native communities today are not disconnected from historical policy.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Native American communities continue to experience poverty rates significantly higher than the national average. (https://www.census.gov)

Limited access to healthcare, education disparities, and underfunded infrastructure contribute to cycles that are difficult to break without structural change.

Poverty alone is not trauma. But poverty layered onto historical displacement and cultural erasure creates stress that affects families across generations.

Children raised in environments shaped by scarcity absorb that stress, even if no one names it.

Alcohol and Coping

It is important to speak carefully here.

Alcohol misuse in Native communities has often been misrepresented or stereotyped. In reality, data from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism shows that while some Native populations experience higher rates of alcohol-related harm, the issue is complex and tied to broader socioeconomic and historical factors. (https://www.niaaa.nih.gov)

When trauma is unaddressed, coping mechanisms can become destructive.

Alcohol did not arrive in Native communities as part of traditional life. It was introduced through colonial contact. Over time, it became both a symptom and a response — a way of numbing pain rooted in historical upheaval.

But trauma is not destiny.

And neither is addiction.

Trauma as Memory in the Body

Research in psychology and epigenetics suggests that trauma can influence stress responses across generations. Studies published through institutions such as the National Institutes of Health discuss how prolonged stress and adverse childhood experiences shape long-term health outcomes. (https://www.nih.gov)

While the science continues to evolve, what many Native families already understood is this:

Pain echoes.

Children raised in environments marked by unresolved trauma often develop hypervigilance, early maturity, and a heightened sense of responsibility. They learn to read rooms. They learn to anticipate tension.

Sometimes they become strong too soon.

That strength is survival.

But survival is not the same as healing.

Healing and Cultural Reclamation

Intergenerational trauma is not the end of the story.

Cultural reclamation has become one of the most powerful tools for healing in Native communities. Language revitalization programs, ceremony, storytelling, and community-led wellness initiatives are helping to reconnect younger generations with identity that was once suppressed.

The Indian Health Service and tribal behavioral health programs increasingly incorporate culturally grounded healing practices into treatment approaches. (https://www.ihs.gov/behavioralhealth)

Storytelling plays a central role in that process.

As an Indigenous storyteller, I believe that naming history honestly is part of breaking cycles. When we understand where pain originated, we can stop blaming ourselves for wounds we did not create.

Strength Passed Down Too

It would be incomplete to speak only of trauma without speaking of resilience.

The same generations that carried hardship also carried knowledge. They carried language. They carried ceremony. They carried survival skills rooted in land and community.

Resilience travels through families just as powerfully as trauma does.

Native communities endured policies designed to erase them. They are still here.

That is not accidental.

It is strength.

Moving From Awareness to Responsibility

Understanding intergenerational trauma in Native American communities requires more than sympathy. It requires responsibility — both within and outside Indigenous communities.

For Native families, it means:

• Seeking healing without shame
• Talking openly about history
• Reconnecting with culture
• Supporting younger generations

For institutions and policymakers, it means:

• Acknowledging historical harm
• Supporting culturally informed healthcare
• Investing in Native education and infrastructure
• Respecting tribal sovereignty

Trauma that was created collectively must be addressed collectively.

Why This Conversation Matters

As a Native American author, I do not write about intergenerational trauma to reopen wounds. I write about it to place pain in context.

When we understand that certain struggles did not begin with personal failure, we create space for compassion — both toward ourselves and toward our elders.

We stop asking, “What is wrong with us?”

And begin asking, “What happened to us?”

That shift changes everything.

Because what happened can be understood.

And what is understood can begin to heal.

Why Native Americans Serve at the Highest Rate Per Capita

A Tradition That Did Not Begin With the United States

The Strength of Community Influence

In many Native households, military service is multigenerational. Sons and daughters follow parents, uncles, aunts, and grandparents into uniform.

When you grow up surrounded by veterans, service becomes normalized. It becomes something honorable and achievable.

I grew up in a family shaped by service. My father served. I later served. The path felt familiar, even if the challenges within it were not always simple.

When communities celebrate veterans openly — through powwows, honor songs, and public recognition — the message is clear: service matters.

That cultural reinforcement plays a powerful role in enlistment decisions.

Why So Many Leave

While Native Americans enlist at high rates, retention into senior leadership roles is far lower.

That reality deserves attention.

Military life requires long-term commitment, relocation, separation from family, and adaptation to environments where Native identity is rarely understood. Isolation can become a quiet burden.

Some Native service members feel disconnected from their communities after extended service. Others face subtle cultural misunderstandings within military culture. Some leave to return home and support family.

There are also structural barriers. Advancement requires mentorship, visibility, and institutional familiarity — things that can be harder to access for those who enter without generational military lineage or insider networks.

According to research and discussions published through the Department of Veterans Affairs and academic military studies programs, minority retention often correlates with access to mentorship and representation in leadership roles. (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs)

When you do not see yourself reflected in senior ranks, advancement can feel abstract.

In 1991, when I became the first Native American female to reach the rank of Chief Petty Officer (E-7) in the United States Navy, that milestone was not about prestige. It was about persistence.

Few Native women had stayed long enough to reach that rank.

I stayed.

But staying required endurance.

The Cultural Distance Factor

Military structure is rigid. Indigenous culture often emphasizes relational and communal frameworks.

When Native service members enter predominantly non-Native environments, they sometimes suppress parts of themselves to fit in.

That suppression can become exhausting.

Cultural obligations — ceremonies, family events, community responsibilities — do not disappear when you put on a uniform. Yet balancing both worlds is not always easy.

Some leave because the distance feels too great.

Some leave because they want their children closer to extended family and tribal community.

These are not failures. They are choices shaped by priorities.

But they help explain the gap between enlistment and long-term retention.

Leadership and Representation

Representation matters.

When Native women and men see someone who shares their background rise to senior leadership, it changes what feels possible.

I speak about this during Native American History Month at military installations. I ask audiences:

Why do we recruit so effectively from Native communities?
Why do we not retain and promote at the same rate?
What would it take to build stronger pathways upward?

The answers are complex. But they include mentorship, cultural awareness training, and visible representation.

Institutions such as the National Museum of the American Indian and various veterans’ organizations continue to highlight Native contributions in military history to strengthen recognition and awareness. (National Museum of the American Indian)

Awareness is the first step toward change.

A Personal Mission

One of my personal goals is to see more Native Americans — especially Native women — stay in long enough to build full careers.

To rise.
To lead.
To return home with expanded opportunity and economic stability.

Military service can be a powerful tool for breaking cycles of poverty. It can provide structure, education, and long-term retirement benefits that extend beyond a single generation.

But that only happens when retention matches recruitment.

I do not want Native service to remain symbolic. I want it to translate into leadership.

Service as Continuation

When people say Native Americans serve at the highest rate per capita, they often frame it as surprising.

It is not surprising to me.

It is consistent.

It is consistent with our history of protecting our people.
It is consistent with our values of responsibility.
It is consistent with the warrior traditions that existed long before federal uniforms.

The modern military did not create that instinct.

It inherited it.

Moving Forward

Understanding why Native Americans serve at such high rates requires looking at:

• Cultural tradition
• Economic realities
• Community reinforcement
• Identity
• Patriotism intertwined with resilience

Understanding why fewer remain requires addressing:

• Cultural isolation
• Representation gaps
• Structural mentorship
• Community ties

These are not statistics alone. They are lived realities.

As a Native American author and retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, I do not write about this from distance. I write from experience.

Service shaped my life.

But leadership is what transforms service into legacy.

If even one young Native woman sees what is possible and chooses not only to enlist but to stay — to rise — to lead — then the conversation continues.

And it is a conversation worth having.

Ojibwe History and the Anishinaabe Migration West

Growing Up With the Stories of Our People

As a Native American author rooted in Ojibwe heritage, I have always carried the stories of my ancestors with me — stories not merely of time and place, but of direction and purpose. These are not myths in the sense of “once upon a time.” They are oral histories, teachings preserved across generations to guide who we are and how we came to be.

One of the most significant of these teachings is the Anishinaabe migration — a journey westward from the eastern waters toward the place where “food grows on the water,” later understood as the lands around the Great Lakes, where my people eventually settled. According to Ojibwe oral history and traditions recorded in birch bark scrolls and shared across time, the Anishinaabeg began near the mouth of the Saint Lawrence River on the Atlantic coast before beginning this long migration in response to spiritual direction and prophecy.

These teachings carried meaning far beyond geography. They were about survival, about maintaining identity through movement, and about honoring guidance even when the path was unknown.

The Miigis Shell — Spirit and Direction

Central to the story of that migration are the miigis — sacred shells often understood as cowrie shells — which appeared to the Anishinaabeg and provided spiritual direction for their journey. According to Ojibwe oral history, seven great miigis appeared in Waabanakiing (the Eastern Land). These shells were not mere objects but symbols of teaching and connection to the mide way of life — the ceremonial tradition that holds deep spiritual meaning for the Anishinaabe peoples.

At several stopping places along the migration route, the peoples encountered miigis shells, reaffirming the direction they were to follow. One pivotal place was Baawating — the rapids of the Saint Marys River, known today as Sault Ste. Marie — which became a central hub where the central Ojibwe presence converged.

To ancient storytellers, the shells and the places they appeared were markers of both physical and spiritual direction. They signaled that the community was on the correct path and that the teachings of the prophets and elders were not distant echoes, but living guidance.

A Journey of Many Generations

The Anishinaabe migration did not unfold in a single lifetime. It was a movement that spanned many generations — a slow drift of family units, kinship groups, and clans learning as they traveled, learning how to live with land and water, how to adapt to changing seasons, and how to stay united through shared purpose.

According to oral tradition, the Anishinaabe were instructed to seek a series of sacred stopping places marked by turtle-shaped islands and miigis shells — signs that their journey was unfolding as destined. One of these early places was what is now northeastern Ontario, near Sault Ste. Marie, where food sources were abundant and people found rest and community before continuing westward.

This westward path eventually brought the Anishinaabe into the lands around the Great Lakes — stretching into what is now Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, and beyond — and becoming home to later generations of the Ojibwe people.

Land, Identity, and Loss — What Came After

Once established across the Great Lakes region, Ojibwe communities developed rich lifeways rooted in subsistence, seasonal movement, and trade. They hunted, fished, gathered wild rice, and built relationships with neighboring nations long before European contact.

But with the arrival of European settlers came dramatic shifts. Treaties — such as Treaty 3 with the Canadian Crown — and U.S. government policies reshaped the land base of the Ojibwe and imposed new political structures on peoples who had long lived by their own systems of responsibility and stewardship.

Despite these pressures, Ojibwe peoples endured. They remained on the lands their ancestors traveled toward, maintaining languages, teachings, and connections to place and water. Today, Ojibwe communities span from Ontario to Montana, carrying forward traditions that were shaped along this long migratory path.

Why This History Matters Today

For many, “history” might feel like something written long ago, separate from daily life. But for Indigenous peoples, history is presence. It is memory. It informs how we see the world, how we understand our responsibilities to land and community, and how we tell our stories now.

As a Native American author, I carry the migration story not as legend alone, but as a lineage of movement and survival — of listening to guidance and choosing direction that honors both past and future. That is why storytelling remains essential: it keeps our identity alive not only in books and classrooms, but in the teachings we carry forward.

The Anishinaabe migration west is not just a chronicle of movement. It is a reminder of our people’s resilience, our ability to adapt, and our commitment to remembering who we are even when the world around us changes.

Native American Women in Military Service

A Tradition of Service

Native people have always served.

Long before there was a United States military, Native men and women protected their communities, defended their lands, and carried responsibility for the survival of their people. Service is not new to us. It is woven into who we are.

Today, Native Americans serve in the U.S. Armed Forces at the highest rate per capita of any ethnic group. Yet this is not widely known. What is also less known is that while many Native women enlist, far fewer remain long enough to build a full career.

As an Ojibwe woman and a retired Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy, I understand that journey personally.

Making History

In 1991, I became the first Native American female to reach the rank of Chief Petty Officer (E-7) in the United States Navy.

That moment was not about recognition. It was about endurance.

The path was not simple. It required staying when others left. It required navigating environments where few people looked like me and even fewer understood where I came from. It required holding onto my identity while serving an institution that did not always reflect it.

Native Americans enlist for many reasons — patriotism, opportunity, tradition, economic stability. For many of us, the military offers a path beyond reservation poverty and limited resources. But staying in long enough to rise in rank requires something more than enlistment. It requires support, mentorship, and a belief that advancement is possible.

In 1991, that advancement had not yet happened for a Native American woman at the rank of Chief.

Until it did.

Why So Few Stay

Service is honorable. But it is also demanding.

Native service members often carry additional weight — cultural distance, family obligations back home, financial pressures, and sometimes isolation within their units. Many leave after fulfilling their initial commitment, returning home to support family or reconnect with community.

I speak openly about this when I address military audiences during Native American History Month. I ask difficult questions:

Why do Native Americans serve at such high rates?
Why do so many leave before reaching senior leadership?
What would it take to change that?

These are not abstract questions. They are personal.

A Personal Mission

One of my goals is to see more Native women and men stay.

To see more rise in rank.
To see more build careers.
To see more return home not only with pride, but with financial stability, leadership skills, and expanded opportunity.

Military service changed my life. It provided structure, advancement, and a path forward. But I never left behind who I was. I remained Ojibwe. I remained connected to my roots. I carried my heritage with me.

Being the first Native American female Chief Petty Officer was not the end of a story. It was a beginning.

If one young Native woman or man sees what is possible and chooses to stay — to advance — to lead — then that milestone continues to matter.

Service has always been part of who we are.

Leadership can be too.

What it Means to Be a Native American Author Today

Writing From Where I Stand

When people hear the phrase “Native American author,” they sometimes imagine something distant — something historical, something rooted only in the past.

But Native American authors are not relics of another century. We are here. We are writing now. We are raising families, serving in the military, working in our communities, and carrying forward stories shaped by lived experience.

For me, being a Native American author means writing from where I stand — as an Ojibwe woman, as a veteran, as someone shaped by reservation life, resilience, and the long arc of Indigenous history. I do not write from theory. I write from memory, from observation, and from the quiet strength I have witnessed in Native families across generations.

More Than Representation

There is a difference between writing about Native people and writing as Native people.

Indigenous writers do not create stories to decorate a bookshelf with diversity. We write because storytelling has always been part of how our communities survive. Long before books, there were voices around fires. Long before publication, there was listening.

Today, Native American literature continues that tradition in a different form. It preserves memory. It challenges misunderstanding. It offers perspective that cannot be manufactured from the outside.

As a Native American author, I understand that my words carry more than my own experience. They carry echoes of elders, of ancestors, of places that shaped me long before I knew how to put those experiences into language.

The Responsibility of Telling the Truth

Writing from Indigenous experience carries responsibility. It means telling the truth even when it is complicated. It means acknowledging trauma without allowing it to be the only story. It means honoring strength without pretending pain never existed.

Native American authors today write across many genres — memoir, fiction, poetry, history — but what unites us is lived connection. Our stories are not abstractions. They are rooted in land, language, ceremony, service, and survival.

For me, writing is not about claiming a title. It is about honoring the stories that shaped me and offering them with care.

Why Native Voices Matter Now

There has never been a time when Indigenous perspectives were more necessary.

Misunderstanding still exists. Simplified narratives still circulate. But when readers seek out Native American authors and Indigenous storytellers, they open themselves to voices grounded in experience rather than assumption.

That matters.

It matters for young Native readers who need to see themselves reflected honestly.
It matters for non-Native readers who want to understand more deeply.
It matters for the preservation of culture in a world that moves quickly and forgets easily.

Being a Native American author today is not about standing apart. It is about standing rooted — and writing from that place with clarity and respect.

And as long as there are stories to carry forward, I will continue to write.

The Last Thing Dad Taught Me

I’m in Italy.

Driving through mountains with absolutely no idea where I am. No GPS, nothing. I had finally gotten Katy settled after her positive COVID test and mandatory hotel quarantine in rural Italy, and I had spent the last few days exploring. No longer stressed about her missing her Semester-At-Sea. She had flown to Greece to catch up to them. And now I was trying to find my way back to my AirBnb and I really, really needed to find a bathroom. I mean, I’m at the point where I’m thinking, well, Italy’s just going to have to deal with me peeing on the side of this mountain road.

That’s when my phone rang.

It was Ashley, my niece. She said Dad was sick and they were sending him to Duluth. She wanted to put him on the phone. They had tried taking him off the ventilator, but they were going to have to put it back in, as he was struggling, and transferring him to St. Mary’s in Duluth. She said he wanted to talk to me but could barely talk, so don’t keep him on too long. I thanked her before I heard my Dad’s raspy voice on the other side.

Now, you have to understand something about my dad. Gene Goodsky was a tough guy. Period. He’d been through everything – Vietnam, PTSD, years of drinking, cultural genocide, you name it. This man was tough as nails. So when Ashley said he was sick enough to go to the big hospital in Duluth, I knew his cold, which had turned into pneumonia, had gotten worse.

She put him on the phone, and I told him exactly what I was doing – that I was literally about to pee on the side of an Italian mountain because I couldn’t find a bathroom anywhere. One of Dad’s favorite things to say to me is, “Where in the world are you now?” He didn’t say it this time as he could barely speak. So, I told him because I knew he wanted to know.

I heard his smile on the phone. I could tell he was tickled when I told him. Dad loved that his daughter from the tiny Reservation in Nett Lake was so adventurous. He had told me that many times.

Then he said, actually more like “Rasped” something that stopped me cold.

“I love you.”

And then he said it again. “I love you.”

And again. “I love you… I love you… I love you…”

He kept saying it, over and over.

Something Shifted

Standing there on that mountain road, I felt something shift in my chest. My dad was not a man who repeated himself. Ever. He said what he meant once, maybe twice if it was really important. But not like this. Not over and over like he was trying to memorize the sound of his own voice saying it.

I knew right then. Why would he keep saying it unless he was afraid he wouldn’t get to say it again?

I didn’t even ask if I should come home. I just knew.

“Dad, I’m leaving right now. I’m booking the first flight out. I’ll stop at home to grab some winter clothes (because it’s February in Minnesota), and I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

I had been through this before with my mom during the last months of her life. There’s this feeling you get – hard to explain, but you can’t miss it – when your place in the world suddenly becomes crystal clear. I recognized it immediately.

I needed to be there. And I wanted to be there.

Those were the last words he ever spoke to me. I don’t know if he talked to anyone else after we hung up, but that was it for us. “I love you” said over and over like a prayer or a goodbye I didn’t understand yet.

The ICU

When I got to Duluth and walked into that ICU room, the first thing that hit me wasn’t all the machines and tubes. It was how pale he was.

You have to understand, my dad was never pale. We used to joke about how dark he got in the summer – full-blooded Indian and proud of it. His skin always had this color and life to it, even in the dead of Minnesota winter.

But lying in that hospital bed, he was almost gray.

That’s when it really sank in. This wasn’t just a cold that got out of hand. This was serious.

He had tubes everywhere – the ventilator in his mouth, machines making all these steady beeping sounds I was trying not to focus on. For a minute, I just stood there because my brain was trying to catch up with what my eyes were seeing.

I sat down beside him and started talking right away. I needed him to hear my voice, to know I made it back.

Then I leaned in real close to his face and said, “Dad… I’m here. It’s me, Dianna. I’m here.”

His eyes opened and focused on me. I could see it immediately – he knew me. And I could tell he was so glad I was there. Not dramatic, not over the top, just this quiet relief and happiness. He always said he just likes knowing that his kids are close by, but in this case, I think he was glad I was home and not in Italy.

He started trying to move his arms, pulling against the restraints they had on him so he wouldn’t pull out the breathing tube. The nurses came in and adjusted his medications, and he drifted back to sleep.

I learned later that the level of sedation controlled how awake he seemed. During that week, I figured out when I could really talk to him and when I needed to just let him rest.

I guess because I’d come from out of state, they let me stay all day, every day. This was during COVID when hospitals were limiting visitors, and most families couldn’t even be together like this. But they understood I’d traveled a long way and they never once told me I had to leave. Either that or they knew just how bad it was, I realized much later. The staff were all very kind to us.

I developed a routine that week.

I’d get there early in the morning and stay until about ten or eleven at night. Then I’d go back to my hotel, sleep, wake up, do a little workout in the gym just to clear my head, and be back at the hospital before eight in the morning.

And then I’d sit beside him again.

Since he couldn’t speak, I did all the talking. And let me tell you, I’m sure he really enjoyed that part. Haha. Sometimes, I read to him, but it seemed I could always figure out something to say to him.

The second day he was awake, he was trying really hard to tell me something. I kept guessing and guessing until I finally figured it out – he was thirsty.

I was so proud of myself for understanding him that I ran out the door and into the nurses’ station and fairly loudly announced to everyone, “My dad wants a drink! He’s thirsty!”

Every nurse and doctor in that area looked at me with these soft, sympathetic faces. One nurse gently walked over and said, “Honey, your dad can’t have water.”

I’m standing there like, “Why not?”

And then it hit me. Because he has a ventilator tube in his mouth! Oh my gosh.

I felt like such an idiot, but the nurse was really sweet about it. She gave me this little sponge on a stick that I could dip in water and put on his lips. And frankly, because I realized we could now communicate, I was just happy we could. I knew it was important.

I started asking him questions.

“Are you comfortable?”

No.

He moved his hand – he wanted his arm released from the restraint. The nurses explained that if they unbound him, he absolutely could not touch the ventilator tube. Apparently, they had to restrain him because that’s what he did every time he became aware enough. So he nodded that he understood and promised he wouldn’t. They trusted him.

“Is that better?”

Yes.

“Can you hear me?”

Yes.

After a few practical questions, I asked him the one that mattered most to me.

“Am I the prettiest girl?” haha.

I could see the smile in his eyes. He nodded yes.

His birthday was February 5th, and by then I’d been there a few days.

My dad was famous.

I always tell people my dad was famous – not George Clooney famous, but loved famous. People all over the world knew him and cared about him, and they still do to this day.

That morning, birthday messages started coming in early. I told the staff that it was his birthday and he would be getting many birthday greetings and could they help him be awake so I could read them to him, they assured me they could, as long as he was comfortable. Of course.

I knew he would like them. I read every single one to him. Every text, every Facebook post, every voicemail. If someone called, I’d hold the phone right up to his ear so he could hear their voice himself. I didn’t skim anything or paraphrase. I read them word for word.

And I watched his face the whole time.

There were over six hundred birthday messages that day. Six hundred. And he listened to every one of them.

With each message I read, I could see his reaction. Sometimes his eyes would soften. Sometimes he’d nod. Sometimes he’d smile. He was really listening to every word.

I even made this goofy video for him using a rap song – which is funny because neither of us listens to rap music – but I just wanted to make him smile. When I showed it to him, his whole face lit up. He genuinely loved hearing everything that came in for him.

I remember thinking that day, this might be one of the best birthdays he’s ever had. Not because he was healthy – obviously he wasn’t – but because he got to hear, all in one day, how many people loved him.

And he knew it.

A Healing Song

During that week, my cousin Fran came with her son Conrad. Conrad brought his hand drum and wanted to sing a healing song for Dad. Right there in the ICU.

I’ll never forget watching that young man stand beside my father’s bed, beating that drum and singing. He could barely hold himself together. Neither could Fran. Neither could I. Even the nurses were moved, afterward telling me how beautiful it was.

I wonder sometimes if we all understood something we couldn’t say out loud. We call them healing songs because we think they’re supposed to heal the body. But maybe the real healing is for the hearts of the people who have to let someone go.

A few days after his birthday, the conversations with the doctors began to change.

Decisions

On the morning of February 8th, the doctor told me it had been seventeen days on the ventilator. She explained that even if he survived being taken off it, his life would never be what it was before. He’d probably need to live in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

My dad was fiercely independent. Always had been. I knew immediately what that meant to him.

Years before, he’d gathered all four of us kids together and told us that, and he decided our roles if something like this happened. My brother Curtis was supposed to make the medical decisions. I was the executor.

But sitting there in that room, I knew that he could decide for himself, and what a relief that was.

I had watched it the whole week. When they reduced the sedation, he was completely aware. He followed conversations; he reacted to what was happening around him. This wasn’t a man who was gone – this was a man trapped in a body that couldn’t talk.

So I told the doctor, “No. This decision needs to be his, not mine and not my siblings’.”

She agreed.

They reduced his sedation so he could participate, and she sat on the edge of his bed to talk to him. I was sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed, and I remember feeling as if I were watching something sacred and terrifying at the same time, also wishing I wasn’t alone with him, but I was fairly shocked when the Doc took the conversation in this direction. Lela was at Dads house getting it ready for when he came home, and both of my brothers were also in the Village. They were all over 100 miles away.

She spoke slowly, asking yes-or-no questions so he could nod his answers.

She explained how long he’d been on the ventilator. She explained what his body was now depending on. Then she explained what his life would probably be like if he stayed on it for much longer and managed to survive removing the ventilator – including the very real possibility of spending the rest of his life in a nursing home, even if he got better enough in the next 2 or 3 days.

I watched his face the whole time. You could tell. He did not want that for his life.

He listened, sort of in awe, then his face turned to anger, then to understanding, and finally to decision and a fierceness I truly remember seeing in my younger days.

Then she asked him: “Do you want us to take the ventilator out?”

He nodded yes.

“Do you understand that you may not survive if we remove it?”

He nodded yes.

“Are you making this decision fully aware of the consequences?”

He nodded yes again.

Then she told him he could decide when he wanted it done.

In full Dad fashion, he indicated he wanted it done right then and there.

I stood up and leaned over toward him but so that everyone could hear.

“Dad… not yet. Please wait. Let me call Lela and my brothers so they know what’s happening. Let’s give them a chance to be here, please.”

He looked straight at me – I could see that familiar stubbornness, a little bit of fire still in his eyes. I said “Please” again.  His face softened and he nodded yes.

Holy cow, what a relief!

Then the Doc said he could decide at any moment. They would be ready for him any time of the day or night, whenever he wanted.

A Presence

I needed to call them. Before I made those calls, though, I needed to ask him some things. I was about to be responsible for everything after he was gone, and I wanted to do it the way he wanted.

So I asked him – who should guide his funeral, who needed to be there and in what roles, what to do with his belongings. All the practical stuff only he could answer. By then we had this yes-and-no communication down pretty good, and I wrote down everything while he answered.

Only after I had all that information did I start calling my family.

I stepped out of the room several times to make calls and just to breathe.

And every single time I went out toward the lobby, the elevator doors would open. No one would come out. No one would be waiting to get on. They’d just open, pause, and close again.

This kept happening all day long.

At first, I thought nothing of it. Then it happened again. And again. By evening, I was really aware of it and I started to “feel” things.

Even more so inside Dad’s room. The room felt heavy. It wasn’t scary or threatening, just full. Full in a way that’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I felt it on my body, especially across my shoulders, like a presence pressing gently around us.

At one point, I called Rosemary Berens, Dad’s second wife, a drum keeper and a close friend of the family. I was letting her know what was happening, but honestly, I think I was also looking for some kind of permission or reassurance.

While I was sitting there on the phone with her, those elevator doors opened again. And then again. Three or four times while we were talking.

That’s when I finally said it out loud.

“Rosemary, the weirdest thing keeps happening. These elevator doors keep opening and there’s nobody there.”

She listened quietly and then said, very calmly, “They’re coming for him. They must be using the elevator.” We kind of laughed at that but honestly, I think we both FELT that.

It matched what I was already sensing – that he and I were not alone in his room. Not even close.

Dad is Ready

That evening it started snowing. A real Minnesota February snowstorm. Part of me was hoping we could wait until the next day, but when Dad woke up again, he was different. Agitated. He wasn’t willing to wait anymore.

He was ready.

So I made the calls and told everyone they needed to come immediately.

Family started driving through that storm – over a hundred miles for some of them – and it took nearly two hours for everyone to get there. The hospital staff brought us this big tray with coffee, tea, and food. They were so incredibly kind that night.

One by one, everyone spoke to him. The nurse adjusted his sedation so he could hear them and acknowledge each person.

My sister Lela, who’s a nurse and has always been good at handling the medical stuff, finally said, “Okay… it’s time.”

Even though I’d had the most time to prepare, I realized in that moment I wasn’t ready at all.

The nurse explained that when they took the ventilator out, he would have trouble breathing at first. She gently told him not to gulp for air, even though it would be a natural reaction. Dad nodded in understanding.

It

Was

Time.

I was standing near the foot of the bed when they started.

They removed the ventilator.

Immediately, his body reacted exactly like she said it would. He struggled for air, and then I saw something I had almost never seen in my father’s face.

Fear.

Real fear.

He looked directly at me.

I had seen my dad startled once when I was young – gunshots went off and he dove under a table – but this was different.

I’m not sure if things are right in the world when your daddy looks at you full of fear, and you know he is dying. There is nothing right about that at all, and that split-second realization moved me into action.

I quickly moved to his bedside near his face and leaned down beside him so he could hear me.

“Dad… you’re okay. We talked about this. You decided this. Everything is going to be okay. You’ve been there before, remember? Remember how you told me it was so full of love? You didn’t want to come back. It’s okay to go back. We’re all going to be just fine.You and Mom did a good job. Everything will be alright.”

As I spoke, I watched him calm down. His breathing slowed. His eyes stayed locked on mine and I stayed completely steady for him. I didn’t cry. I didn’t break down. How could I? It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly our minds move when in such a state. The amount of processing my mind went through in those final moments.

He kept looking at me until his eyes finally closed.

The machine went flat.

I heard the loud cry of my sister first and then each of us sobbing in our own way, handling this huge loss.. I stood up and went into the corner with my back against my dad in this bed, knowing full well he was no longer here but not wanting to face it. I was a little bit mad, I don’t even know why, then grief overwhelmed me and I crumbled.

The Lesson

It was February 9th, 2020. Four days after one of the best birthdays he’d ever had, his 80th on this earth.

When Ashley and I finally left that room, I said something to her that probably sounded strange. I said, “How lucky are we, Ashley? We got to be with both grandma and grandpa when they transitioned to the next world.”

But the most important moment of that whole week didn’t happen the night he died.

It happened a few days earlier.

I was sitting there talking to him one afternoon – he was awake and alert – and I don’t even remember what I started talking about. I was just remembering things, you know? Things from our life together.

And suddenly something clicked in my mind.

I said to him, “Dad… everything you ever taught us… it was about love, wasn’t it?”

He looked at me, fully awake and ready to hear more.

Then I started pulling up memories to explain what I was seeing.

“Like that time at the grocery store when you held the door for those two women and they just walked past you like you were invisible. I was so mad and asked why you didn’t say something to them. You said, ‘That’s their problem, not mine.'”

“And that time someone stole $2,500 from your house – money you needed to fix your truck – and even though you thought you knew who did it, you never confronted them. When I asked why, you said, ‘They don’t answer to me. They answer to above.'”

As I was saying these things out loud, I could hear it myself.

“It was love, wasn’t it?”  I could see his face softening and relaxing.

“You weren’t teaching acceptance and tolerance. It was love. You weren’t teaching me not to judge; it was love!  It was always about love. All of it was about love”

A tear rolled down his face.

He nodded yes.

And right then – not later when I was processing it, but right in that exact moment – I understood the scope of what he’d been trying to teach me my whole life.

I understood who he really was. It was a HUGE realization.

I realized that I didn’t understand his lessons while he was raising me,

I certainly didn’t want to listen to him when he was drinking.

I misunderstood some of his lessons when he was sober, but

I finally understood the full and complete lesson of life and living as he was dying.

It’s all about Love.